On Being Me and How to Be Japanese

Well, this post was going to be about “how to be Japanese,” but instead I just need to babble about a few other things first.

First and foremost, I had a bit of a run-in with AU, the phone company. Don’t worry, I’m not about to be hauled off to cell phone prison (though considering I have an iPhone now, it would probably be a mixture of a not-half-bad little padded chamber with Fruit Ninja breaks and a techonogically-advanced-hell-on-earth). A few days ago, I received the original form I helped fill out when I registered my phone along with a fresh copy. The fresh copy was so I could rewrite all my information…without the sundry mistakes of the first one (numbers written incorrectly, sloppy hanko work, etc)…and then mail it back to the company to set up my account for automatic payments. 

And speaking of payments, I received my first bill. Now, I’ve been in Japan for a couple months now, and while I’ve learned a good bit of katakana and hiragana and can read in both, I can’t read kanji and have to look up most of what I read. Look on the back of a box of Velveeta and try reading the ingredients list: it’s like that. I can sound it out, but it still means diddly squat. Anyway, of course, fool that I am, I did two stupid things:

1.      I procrastinated addressing the bill and just let it languish on my table for a few days.

2.      When I finally got around to looking at it…ahem, actually opening it first…I didn’t understand a bit of it and figured if I sent it in with the form that had my bank account, it would take care of itself.

Naturally, stupid = absolutely and undeniably wrong wrong wrong! Also, terribly terribly typical of me. Turns out that in Japan, while you wait a few months for your AU account to be set up, you’re supposed to pay your bill at either the store or one of the many konbini in town. 

Yep. Not what I did at all. I found that out last night and so had that hanging over my head all day. I had to make a conscious effort all day to just focus on the lessons, staying genki, zip-loc-ing those emotions and saving the spazz attack for after school. I spent a few minutes before leaving the school looking up a few words and phrases including “Wakarimasen deshita” and “Eigo ashisuto” (“I did not understand” and “English assist”). 

The clerk at the store was absolutely great, and I let him know it. With the help of a few translating apps and an English speaking operator, I was able to pay my bill in the store and I was able to tell him I wouldn’t screw up so royally again. I left the store with an “Arigato gozaimashita! Ichiban desu! Saiko desu!” 

And now I can breathe…well, until tomorrow. I’m getting another visit from my company and this time my lesson will be recorded. Don’t ask questions. You’ll just hurt yourself.

So how about a little crash course in how to be “very Japanese.”

Recall that a few weeks ago, a few of my schools were visited by a representative from the company. She told me that the students seem to like me and the teachers think I am “very Japanese.” But what does that mean? Well, come with me! Hajimemasu!

1.      Hashi.

Chopsticks. They’re how you get shit done in Japan. From eating to cooking to funeral rites, chopsticks are used for a great deal of things and there’s a proper way to do each one.

Hashi etiquette Dos and don’ts.

DO: Hold your hashi correctly. To put it simply, make a peace sign and rest one chopstick on your middle finger and lightly hold the other chopstick along the index finger with your thumb. Using them is a mixture of bending your fingers and making a scissors gesture. Yeah, have fun with that!

DO: Hold your soup or rice bowl up to your face while you eat. While you don’t mix your rice with anything, you can pick things up with your hashi and dab it on the rice to blot off any sauce or catch anything that you can’t land in your gob. Then you eat a bit of rice with the essence of what you ate. And you just alternate like that. Oh, and yes, you eat soup with chopsticks. It can be done! On days you don’t have your metal spork, (basically if it’s not curry rice day) you pick up the bigger chunks of veg and eat those out of your bowl. 

DO: Use your chopsticks to scoop foodies into your face. Slurp away. Shove it in. But don’t waste a morsel!

DON’T: Point at others with your hashi. It’s rude. Akin to taking picking your nose and pointing the booger at the grand duchess sitting right across from you. "Hey! Look what was just inside one of my orifices!"

DON’T: Rub your hashi together. The implication is that the hashi you’re using are cheap and splinter (since hashi are typically made of wood and most restaurant chains have wood or bamboo hashi for guests to use).

DON’T: Stick your hashi upright in your rice OR pass food to another person’s hashi. Both are rituals saved for funerals only you would be passing the bones of the deceased to someone else with your hashi.

2.      “Knowing” what to say.

I say “knowing” because until you get practiced, you’re best off just mumbling your way through most situations. 

Itadakimasu: Said right before you eat, it doesn’t really have an English equivalent (says a lot about the Western World if you ask me) but it’s pretty close to “I humbly receive/I give thanks.”  Everyone will get quiet, clap their hands together like in a prayer and shout it together, so it’s pretty easy to stay under the radar until you get in a little practice.

 

Gochisoosamadeshita: Said right after eating, again, there’s not really a word for this kind of gratitude. And again, kinda sad. But the closest it comes to is “I am grateful.” 

Arigato gozaimasu: Basically “Thank you very much.” Say it in any social situation and you’ll be considered plenty polite.

Sumimasen: It sort of depends on the situation but it means “I’m sorry” or “Excuse me.” You use it as “I’m sorry” if you make a minor mistake or faux pas and it’s “Excuse me” if you need to maneuver your way around others, ask for help, or get a waiter’s attention in a restaurant. That’s right, you’re basically shouting “I’M SORRY!” across the room to place your order or get your bill! 

Gomenasai: A much more formal “I’m sorry.” Save this for the more major faux pas. Like that shuffling move when you run into someone going the opposite way in the hall...oh, Awkward Shuffle Dance, how we hate thee.

Doozo yoroshiku: Meaning “Let’s work together,” it’s a general and polite statement of cooperation and agreement. Co-workers might say it together before starting a project, after a meeting, or teachers might say it before walking to a class together. 

O-saki ni shitsurei shimasu: The whole “shitsurei shimasu” is pretty difficult to get just right to start. Students coming to the teacher’s room have to say it and if they don’t pronounce it just right, ie too much emphasis on the “it,” naturally it’s met with giggles from the teachers. “Shit-surei” should be sort of slurred to “shis-surei.” Said properly, “shitsurei shimasu” means “I’m sorry for intruding.” But “O-saki ni shitsurei shimasu” is what you say when you are leaving for the day. It’s not just “see you later,” you’re excusing yourself for leaving ahead of everyone else. You’re asking their forgiveness, and normally, if you’re a good Japanese, they will reply…

Tsukaresama deshita: Closely translates to “There goes a tired worker.” More often than not, it’s quite true.

3.      Already have a taste for and a basic knowledge of Japanese culture. 

     Be the toy that comes with batteries. As a foreigner, you’re faced with constant questions about what you like about Japan. Food, culture, places to visit…the more you know or already like, the more impressed everyone is. I am a confessed foodie, with a longstanding love affair for Asian food, so I play that up. And food is a great place to start to practice grammatical structures like “I like…” or “Have you ever (eaten)…” or “I think that__ is better than __.” 

Teachers are still surprised by some things. If I’m in the middle of a lesson and I whip out a Japanese translation of a word to clarify a point, the students sit up a little straighter. That sort of last minute research proves beneficial and makes a great impression on teachers! 

Other things that still get attention include are being able to drive to work (on the LEFT!!!), letting someone who is apologizing for something that it’s okay or “Daijobou desu,” and yes, being able to use chopsticks and—gasp!—eat Japanese food! 

Today in the teacher’s room, I was nommin’ on my school lunch. Today was Japanese curry (sort of a curry soup), udon (thick white noodles), tamagoyaki (Japanese omelet) and fruit salad…with mochi balls! This one’s for you, Mom! 

I was working away at my lunch when one of the teachers I haven’t had much personal time with walked by to wash his hashi in the sink. He noticed I was eating and his eyes got very wide! He smiled broadly, gestured at my very apt hashi skills and basically asked if I was okay eating my very exotic meal. 

So to conclude the lesson, let’s review:

1.      Hashi. Learn to use ‘em. Learn to use ‘em politely and effectively.

2.      Mind your Japanese P’s and Q’s…and get a Japanese dictionary or translator app. It’s your key to communicative success!

3.      Start from square one and keep on keeping on! 

    Generally, don't let the idea of living in another country with some very different cultural norms and mores get you down. Being "very Japanese" is partly doing your homework, but mostly being flexible, tolerant and not whining that you're not from around here and making excuses. Have a little common sense, a smile on your face and be ready to do whatever it takes to make a good impression. That's it.

     Don't be an asshole.