Gai-jeans

There are so many great things about living in Japan. These include:

fresh delicious sushi. I shall live forever.
adorably cute kids to teach: kids who have no censor. (This is a mixed blessing)
beautiful things to see ranging from scenery to culture to just weird shit lurking around every corner.
fresh delicious (albeit expensive) seasonal fruits and veggies. I shall live forever.
festivals.
100 yen shops.
The feeling you get when locals open up and let you into their world, even just for the duration of a conversation.

There are also some sucky things about living as a modern Western young woman in Japan.

It took me a lifetime to develop my self-confidence. It's never an easy path for anyone: we all have our moments, we all wonder, we all get those groin kicks of reality and humility that make us think "What did I do wrong? Why do I suck so much?"

I was in a really good state when I left America for Japan and came over here brimming with confidence and Western-style "I'm gonna kick ass"-ness.

The problem with Japanese culture is it's very different from Western cultures in regards to social norms and mores. Here's an example: Western women are STRONG, INDEPENDENT, SEXY! We wear high heels to work. A shadow of a feminine figure exists around our clothing. We curse like sailors when we're out with the ladies. We have confidence. We have seminars. We have sex toy parties the night after tupperware party nights. We have MANIFESTOS!

Japanese women have standards. Don't mistake me: Japanese women have a beautiful, rich and exciting culture all their own. There's a special word for "girl's night." How about geisha? Ever heard of a geisha with gonads? They have their own style of theatre. They have strong, influential roles as mothers...mostly with the schools. And you thought your PTA meetings and bake sales were "involvement."

On the other side of things, Japanese women are still "women." There are hostess clubs (as well as host clubs) where pretty women CAN charge men for the pleasure of their FEMALE company. Like a window dressing that comes with a tip jar. Part of me says "YES! Assert yourself!" They know they're attractive, and it's a quality they can capitalize on. Another part asks "What is involved in the pleasure of a hostess' company? What's she doing? How is she acting?"

Is she blushing and giggling? Is she discussing Proust and Keats?

I was talking to one of the English teachers at an English teacher's dinner party last weekend. We were both nice and toasty at this point and he slid the shoji open a little and let me in for a moment. He told me that he loved his wife, but when she became a mother, she stopped being his wife.

All her time and efforts go into the kids. She slid from one role to another and he was left in the dust.

"I miss kissing her," he said. Those words rang in my ears for a few minutes.

She jumped out of the wife pants and threw on her mom jeans and all the while, I wondered, what does she want? Who is she really?

I've been discreetly reminded to be more "womanly" at work by FK. He was complimenting me and I laughed and jokingly said "Gomasuri," which I was told previously meant "flattery." He became a bit alarmed and told me that I shouldn't use that word and should be more "womanly."

Well what does that mean? Be more feminine? Giggle? Be shy and simpering? I honestly have no idea what he expects.

Then there's the part of the culture that prohibits complaining or giving excuses. I wasn't much of a complainer in America, but damn excuses are great! And not even whoppers, not lies. I mean being able to excuse yourself by saying "Sorry I'm late, there was traffic" or "My alarm didn't go off this morning" or "Oops, didn't get the memo." In Japan, there ARE no excuses. It saves everyone face and sort of forces you to take responsibility and thus work harder to be better.

However, for those of us with neurotic tendencies, that's not always healthy.

After months of forgetting how to assert myself and say "Not my fault/problem" and spending too much time worrying how I can make everyone happy, I slipped away from the person I really am. Fortunately, I realized it and I've been ramping up efforts to be comfortable with being myself again.

Naturally, I have to be like a Japanese woman and wear my two pants, but I'll wear them for equal amounts of time. The Work pants can get too tight and hot and were making me uncomfortable. I was neglecting my Fun jeans, my loose, funky, sexy jeans that make me feel like funky, sexy woman. But that's all changing. In less than two days, I'm on Winter Vacation! I have no one to impress! No lessons to plan! I'm living for myself and wearing holes in my Fun jeans!